Welcome to Surrogate Partner Therapy

Andrew Heartman is a cofounder of the Surrogate Partner Collective and a Certified Surrogate Partner with 15 years experience. He's currently practicing in the San Francisco Bay area and willing to travel to other locations. Potential clients and therapists are invited to contact the SPC or IPSA (International Professional Surrogates Association) for an independent verification of his credentials.

Asha's Experience

When I began surrogate partner therapy I felt at the mercy of those around me. I had little sense of myself and little agency because I didn’t feel I had the right to be a strong, sovereign person. I had been raised with years of neglect and abuse. I felt my purpose in life was to please others or withdraw. Touch was scary because I didn’t feel I had the right to control how others interacted with me. I also did not feel desire. My body was locked up and defensive.

During my first session with Andrew, I asked him to refrain from touching me at all. He followed my instructions and didn’t physically touch me in any way. It was the first time I experienced setting a boundary to protect myself and having it followed by a man. By the end of the second session, I experienced, it seemed for the first time, physical touch with a man (a hug that I requested) in which the man did not ask for anything, did not want anything from me. Andrew was there without agenda, with presence, caring, and respect, complete within himself. At that moment, I felt my nervous system relax, feel safe, and wake up. My whole body felt desire for the first time in my life.

I realized the first component that I needed in order to heal was safety. I had never felt safe or that I had the right to it. During our work, Andrew created an environment of safety and respect as he encouraged me to internalize these through actions.

It has been a journey of sovereignty, strength, inherent self-worth, self-respect, and discovering what I want and don’t want and learning how to express these with my voice and body, letting go of feeling like a victim through embodied action. This has allowed me to love others because I love and care for myself.

This process also created a safe arena in which to begin to explore long suppressed feelings and identify, process, and act on them. I now feel I can create my own safety and have become part of the larger community in which I am not dependent on others. I can see reality much more clearly, rather than seeing the world through threat and past trauma. I can love myself and love others.

Asha H.

Jennifer's Experience

I have been home and reintegrated into my routine for a little over a month and am already experiencing profound changes. I learned more about myself and my potential in one SPT intensive than I have in 47 years of life. I no longer am merely existing to raise my son, surviving to see what the next day will offer. I am now 100% committed to living, not giving up, and to embracing all it is that makes me who I am. I’m not letting the demons of my childhood or young adult life control my future.

I learned that vulnerability is beautiful, and leads to deep connection. I learned that I can quiet my inner critic by giving her a name, by showing her respect and asking the same respect of her. She is part of me, yes, but she cannot control me any longer. I learned that showing emotion is acceptable and does not lead to rejection, and it is so nice to allow someone to comfort and support me during emotional moments. I learned I am quite attractive, inside and out, just as I am, even with a few extra pounds.

Those who know me best, including my long-term therapist, have observed a positive change in me. I am empowered, more confident, and able to communicate more openly. They can see I feel a true sense of hope and purpose. My relationship with my son, great before, is even stronger. This is by far the best investment I have ever made for, or in, myself.

Jennifer M.

Carol's story:

Imagine a five-year-old being told by her mother, "Do whatever he tells you."

These were the words I heard as my Mother left me in the care of my uncle. Hours later he told me that “we” needed a nap. I protested and again he reminded me of my Mom’s order. This predator proceeded to molest me and at times lay on top of me. I remember his stinking breath, his grunting noises, and the pain and bleeding. I also remember the horrific feeling that he was crushing me and I couldn’t breathe.

I have been aware that many things trigger the horror of that day. Throughout my life, including thirty years of marriage, I had always panicked when a man put his weight on me. I have relived the fear, the loss of power, and the absolute horror of not being able to breathe. At times I could manage this by continuously repeating in my mind “You are ok. He is not going to harm you.”

It is now 64 years later. As a result of my experience with Andrew Heartman I have been gifted with a new knowledge and I now have control of this. I felt very safe with Andrew, probably because I knew that Andrew had no agenda of his own, and that he was there only to support me. Before, I always had to convince myself that I was safe—to talk myself into it. But with Andrew I was able to experience that I am safe, and this experience transformed not only how I relate to men, but to the world in general. I found I had the confidence to attempt and achieve many things in the world that I had been afraid to before. I have gained the wisdom that I can choose, freely and powerfully, and this has unshackled me from a prison that spanned 64 years.

I am now free to choose a relation without “Uncle G.” in the bed. My thanks to you, Andrew.

Carol R.